Here are a TON of stories written by Reznomad@aol.com. These were all originally posted to the Nine Inch Nails discussion boards on America Online over the past few years, and have since made their way to my page, thanks to Liz, Miss Reznomad herslef. They're very funny, so be sure to read them all. But if you're not familiar with Liz's work, read below first for the nickname translations. Enjoy!
******* Nickname translation page for the uninitiated: Dark Lord/CrazyLegs/Master/Master Reznor/His Darkness/Our Satan God -- Trent Reznor NastyPants -- Robin Finck BunnyButt -- Chris Vrenna ScrewTape -- Danny Lohner HardDrive/NaughtyChicken -- Charlie Clouser DirtyDuff -- The Edge (U2) GreaseDaddy -- Bono (U2) LambChop -- Larry Mullen, Jr (U2) SheepsHead -- Adam Clayton (U2) Reznomad/Edgedwellr -- moi!! Liz HappiBunny -- my buddy Rachel PeachsDeux -- myself and Rachel together ********And now that you've familiarized yourself with the characters, here are the stories:
Trent To Make Video For "Big Man With A Cummerbund"
Big Man With A Cummerbund
I was looking through the L.A. Times today (one of the few good points about my new hometown), you know, basically just perusing the section on music and movies and such, when I came upon a startling article. At first, I couldn't believe my eyes, but I'm telling you people it's true! I found the article on our Satan God, Dark Lord Trent Reznor himself, so enlightening that I typed it up for the rest of y'all. I think it was by Liz Smith, but I could be wrong. When I was done typing I accidentally threw the article away. Too bad, eh? At least we still have the words, though, and you're gonna love 'em!!
Here 'tis -- Ripped from the headlines:
"We all know that Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails fame is one trendy guy. He like to keep with the times, and is a major trendsetter with his unique style. Or so he'd have you believe. Unique in some things, he may be, but his most successful projects have been built upon ideas of others. A case in point would be the super-popular video "Closer," based on photographer Jean-Peter Witkin's pictures of things such as crucified monkeys. And now there's a new statistic to add.
Apparently Reznor is taking a lead from his proteges Marilyn Manson, who earlier this year covered a tune by Annie Lennox's ex-band, the Eurythmics. Remember Miss Lennox's video for the song "Walking on Broken Glass?" The one with all of the fancy neo-18th century fashions such as white wigs, giant ballroom gowns, etcetera etcetera? Well, if not, Mr. Reznor is intent to remind you. This month he finished what is sure to be a highly controversial video to the song "Big Man With a Cummerbund." It features his entire band dressed in 18th century drag, complete with powder makeup, wigs, and full-length gowns. The basic plot of the video is fairly true to that of Miss Lennox's video. Trent, overcome with jealousy at an insinuated infidelity, proceeds to soundly beat drummer Chris Vrenna, who happens to be the only male with a male character in the video. The beating comes after many clips of them fighting, Reznor falling to his knees and begging, and other such images. All in all, one would the the PMRC will be having a field day with this one. The song contains much of the same bad language as its predecessor, "Big Man With a Gun," and now bring with it the extra baggage of being about Mr. Reznor's ballroom-wear fetish. MTV has reluctantly agreed to play the clip, hoping that the already-beginning controversy will bring extra watchers in the prime time hours of its programming. Naturally, the clip was heavily edited, as there were several scenes between Reznor and Vrenna that were deemed "not suitable for audiences under seventeen," according to a MTV spokesman. When asked about such claims when we caught him outside his New Orleans studio, Trent replied, "What?"
The video is set to premier exclusively on MTV at eleven p.m. Eastern on August 23rd. Don't miss it, folks; it's sure to be the most talked about video of the summer."
Click Here for the lyrics to "Big Man With A Cummerbund"
A Story!
it's story time kiddywinkies: "Scoot over, you bed hog. I'm freezing here!" Screwy whispered in my ear. "Ack! Your feet are like ice! Back off, you little wuss, and get your teddy bear out of my (hindquarters)!" DirtyDuff muttered under his breath. "Both of you shut up. Mom and Dad are going out in a minute, then we can do whatever we want. Just be good for a few more minutes!" I said to both of them. Screwy shrugged and stuck his thumb back in his mouth. DirtyDuff whispered something to himself, then removed his tophat and glasses onto the nightstand. The door opened. "All tucked in?" asked Lambchop (Lambchop being a new minion -- Larry Mullen Jr. of U2) "Yes Mommy!" we chorused. He paused a moment to fix the jacket of his suit-dress and his stockings while GreaseDaddy (Bono) walked in. He gave Screwy a noogie. "How's my little trouper?" Screwy simply grunted, his mouth still firmly attatched around his thumb. "Well, we're leaving now. There's a baby-sitter downstairs. We'll be back very late, so go to sleep," Lambchop told us. "Wait, Mom!" I yelled as they were about to leave. He stuck his head back in the door. "You didn't give me a good night kiss!" (heh heh heh) He gave me a look like "don't even try it", and the two of them left. With all the excitement over, us three kids fell asleep. I awoke to the poking of DirtyDuff. "Wendy! Wendy!" he whispered. "What?" I mumbled groggily. "Don't you hear that crying?" he asked. "Dammit!" I swore. "I TOLD Screwy if he wet the bed again I'd...." "NO!" Dirty interrupted me. "It's not Screwy!" I looked up to see a figure sitting in the open windowsill, crying his eyes out. I motioned for Screwy and Dirty to stay in bed, and got up to investigate. "Hello?" I asked. "Are you okay?" The boy looked up suddenly, startled, and I saw that it was BunnyButt. His blonde hair was spiked in a pixie-ish manner, and he wore a green leotard with green stockings and elfin shoes. Perched atop his head was a green cap. "Well," he sniffled. "I lost my shadow. He left me, and he won't come back. He ran in here before I could stop him, and now I'm afraid I'll *never* get him back." I turned around to see that he was right, his shadow *was* in our room. Harddrive was lithely squirming around in a skintight black outfit. "Yes, I'm a shadow...that's right, I'm a shadow. I'm free, ha ha! Freedom, how sweet! I can dance, I can dance, at last! My dream come true! Gotta dance, gotta dance...la la la!!" he was lightly singing as he did disco dances across the room. "Burn baby burn, DISCO INFERNO!!!!" He grabbed Screwy from the bed and began swinging him around with him, presumably doing the Hustle. (it was hard to tell, he blended into the darkness) "See?" Bunny wailed. I thought for a moment. "I think I know a way to help you," I said, and began whispering in his ear. "Yaahhhhh!" Bunny screeched as he jumped on Harddrive's back. "Ark!" Harddrive yelped as Dirty and Screwy joined the dogpile. I quickly moved in with my trusty sewing box. "Yeah, we'll have you two stitched up in a jiffy," I assured him. "NO!!! NO!!!! Sweet freedom, I hath lost thee! NOOOOOOO!" Harddrive screamed. Bunny stood up. "Well, I don't know, he's awfully heavy..." he said as he tried to turn around and look at his own backside. Attatched soundly to the material around his ass was the ass of his shadow. Since Bunny was slightly taller, Harddrive's legs dangled an inch or two above the ground. "How can I ever repay you?" Bunny asked me. "Well...." I pondered. "You could teach the three of us how to fly and then take us to your home of Never-Never Land!!!" "Wayulllll......okay!" he agreed, and whistled. "Yo, Tink!!" A few seconds later, Rachel flew into the room. Bunny grabbed her by her hair and threw her down on the floor. "Ouch!" she protested. She was sporting fairy wings and a skimpy little fairy outfit. "Yes, Bunny?" she asked, batting her eyelashes. "What can I do for you?" Unfazed by her charms, he grabbed her again and shook her upside down over each of us, letting the pixie dust cover our bodies. "Now," he said, putting her down. "Think happy thoughts, and you will be able to fly!" Dirty screwed up his face, now adorned by the glasses and topped by the top hat once again, and began chanting softly "Kafka, kafka, whitman, tolstoy..." Screwy screwed up his face and began chanting softly "a clean pair of pjs, a clean pair of pjs...." I screwed up my face and thought hard: Bunny minus a few clothes, Bunny in leapord print undies, nipping his fluffy tail...... I opened my eyes to see that I was hovering a few inches off the ground, and apparently I had been chanting without realizing it, because Tinkerbell looked a little pissed and Bunny looked interested. Dirty looked mildly amused, and Screwy was sucking his thumb again. So we flew -- Dirty snagged his nightgown on the windowsill, and Screwy nearly forgot his teddy bear, but pretty soon we were flying over the city. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Help help help oh my god someone help me!!!" Harddrive began screaming as Bunny started doing loop-de-loops and flying upside down. The material began ripping ever so slightly, and Harddrive was hanging by his derriere from Bunny's 20,000 feet over newly paved highways. Eventually we made it to Never Never Land. The sky was blue, the forest green, and everything looked just peachy as we followed Bunny into the woods. Suddenly, someone grabbed me from behind. "Should we sacrifice her to the volcano god, Peter?" I heard from behind me. "No, she's cool, she's with me. Put her down, Madonna!" Bunny scolded. I was released, and turned around to see Madonna, Daisy, Ginger, and the Reverend -- all half-dressed in brown rags -- standing together. (Twiggy is not a lost boy -- he comes in later) "Wendy, these are the Lost Boys. Lost Boys, this is Wendy and her two brothers," he introduced us. "Peter, there's a minor problem," Ginger spoke up. "Remember Captain Hook, your sworn adversary whose hand you cut off years ago?" "Vaguely. Why?" "Well, he has captured the lovely maiden Morning Star, and we need you to stop him!" Daisy spoke up. Bunny turned to us. "Will you help me kill him?" he asked us. "Uh, yeah, whatever," I replied. (this is the condensed version, or this'd be 70 posts long) Mr. Manson stopped us as we left to go. He handed a metal lunchbox to Screwy. "Take this, little boy," he said. Screwy smiled at him and we were off. We sneaked onto Captain Hook's boat in the early morning. As we watched from behind a few boxes, he emerged from his luxury cabin. Tinkerbell hovered over by the Master's quarters, hoping to get in and infiltrate his private things. "Richard!" He shouted. Rich Patrick stood at attention immediately by his side. "The pate in there is horrendus. I want only the best. NEVER let this happen again. Now go -- I can't stand the sight of you. And if you don't bring back GOOD pate this time, don't bother coming back!" Rich replied, "Yes, your Darkness. Only the best. It'll never happen again, Your Lordship!" and scurried off. There was a splash as he dove into the water and swam away. I finally got a good look at the Master. He had long, curly black hair and a moustache. He was wearing a red frock coat and black knickers with white stockings and Puritan shoes. In his hand was a long, black whip. "Back to work!" He boomed at a few slackers, and prodded them with a few lashes of his whip. He approached a cage that held Nasty, hands above his head in manacles. He was clad in a brown faux-Indian costume like you see in old westerns, only this one was *quite* tight and had a slit all the way up the thigh. His moccasins seemed to be high-heeled, as well. "Well, Morning Star. You play the part of the captive well, don't you? Hopefully, once he hears of your capture your good friend Peter Pan will come looking for you, falling right into my trap!! Mwah ha ha hahhhh, mwah ha ha ha!" "Your dispicable plot will never work!" Nasty breathed, throwing his hair back to reveal a flushed and quite maidenly face. "Peter will come save me!" "That's right!" Bunny said forcefully. "Back, villain, or I run you through!" He yelled to the Master, holding his newly acquired fencing sword to the Master's belly. "Ha! Young fool, you have fallen right into my trap!" Trent yelled, and Rich Patrick suddenly appeared again to toss him his own fencing sword. "Good luck, Master," he rasped, and shot Nasty an icy glance. A second later, he was gone. Rachel, aka Tinkerbell, emerged loudly from Captain Hook's cabin at that instant. "Look, everybody -- back issues of 'Hustler'!!!" she yelled. The crew swarmed towards her. The Master blushed a moment, but kept his attention on Bunny. "I think not, vile wrongdoer! Prepare to have your hinder kicked all the way across this vessel!" Chris yelled back. He began hopping around, much to his shadow's dismay. "Oooohhhhh (lohner)!" Harddrive screamed as he was bounced first this way then that. The Master laughed cruelly, and lashed out with his whip. Apparently this was a signal, because who was to show up again but Rich Patrick again! After giving Robin another evil glance, and muttering something horrible about his guitar-playing skills, he suddenly grabbed me from behind and pushed me over to the Master. "Ha! Run me through NOW, Pan!" he challenged, holding me in front of him. Bunny looked at me despairingly. He thought all was lost. I winked at him, though -- I had a plan. The tension in the air was palpable. The two fighters stood a fair distance away from each other, both tracking the other's every move. Even Charlie was silent, though making begging motions toward anyone who walked by and I could see his lips forming the words "free me...free me please...this is humiliating..." Suddenly, The Master was distracted. "What the....." he muttered. "Is that your hand?" he asked me. "Get your hand away from there! Not in public! For heaven's sake...." he continued. "Yaaahhh!" Bunny screamed, and charged him as I leapt away. "Eeeep!" The Master shrieked, and jumped over the side of the boat. "MASTER!" Rich exclaimed, and immediately jumped after him. Neither was seen again, at least that was what we thought at the time........ 25 years later..... Chris Vrenna, successful businessman and accountant, entered the home of his good friend Wendy. Following him were his two children: SheepsHead (Adam Clayton of U2) and Twiggy. "Hey, Bunny," I said. "How's it hangin?" My good friend Tinkerbell stepped out into the hall. "Keep it down! You (tos)damned younguns don't understand how hard it is to SLEEP with all this racket!"A few seconds later she continued, muttering, "Where's my teeth! I lost my teeth!" (Rachel is a year older than me, so I thought it fit for her to be the senile one!) "Just fine, Wendy...oh, wait, I got a call. Hold on," he said and pulled out his cellular. "Hey Tink. Bye Tink." He said as Rachel retreated into her room with a fresh packet of efferdent. "Hey kids," I said. "Hey," they replied. "Well, uh, I'm gonna go take a nap now, 'cos I'm supposed to be really old or something and that's what stereotypical old people do in movies and stories. So just be good or something, okay?" I said. "So, anyway, about the Henderson account.....I don't give a flying fajita (finck) what Jackson wants to buy us out for, I told you NO LESS THAN 25 THOU! Do I look like (fincking) Santa Claus to you? I don't *give* my business away!" Bunny was saying into his phone. SheepsHead ran into the room. "Dad, Twiggy was playing in traffic and got hit by a bus. Now he's acting really wierd. I'm scared -- what should I do?" "Not now, Adam. Go play with your brother or something in the kitchen, okay?" Bunny said. "Anyway, the 14th is the day those Japanese reps were coming down..." a few minutes later.. Twiggy stumbled into the room. "Daahhhhaadd......Adam and I were plahhing in the kitchen with some fhhoorrks.." he paused for a moment, and grabbed his head. "Ack! Ow! Ahhnd he stuck oohhne in an outlet and now his hhhair is all fhhuzzy and he's blheeding from his mouth....and my hhead hurts and I think I broke my aarrm." "That's great, son, I'm proud of you. Go play with your Aunt Wendy, would you? Daddy's on the phone with important business!" Bunny turned back to the cellular. Twiggy shrugged and stumbled back into the kitchen. The Master appeared in the kitchen a few moments later. "Ha ha ha....my plan to capture Peter Pan's children is working perfectly...mwah ha ha..." he stopped suddenly, for the first time seeing the kids. Twiggy was sprawled on the counter, his face covered in oreo white stuff with black crumbs all over him, and Adam was still firmly attatched to the fork attatched to the outlet, only now he was sort of whimpering and the bleeding had slowed some. Twiggy had apparently tried to feed him, because parts of s'mores were in his hair and clothes. "Oh my god, this is too easy. It's not even worth it!" Captain Hook said. So, instead of kidnapping his children to teach him a lesson, Captain Hook went into the living room, grabbed Peter Pan, took him back to his lair and whipped him for a while and taught him a lesson THAT way. Then he became Dark Lord of the universe, and Peter joined the dark side of the force, and so did the lost boys, Peter's kids, my siblings, Morning Star, Peter's shadow, and my parents. Then everybody was happy, Rachel and I went home, and the rest is history. Damn, that was a long post. Toodles, Liz (reznomad@aol.com)
The Edge It was a lovely day in New Orleans. Trent, Chris, Danny, Charlie, Twiggy, and their good friend The Edge (who was visiting from Ireland) were all rollerblading through the city. (Note the lack of nicknames. It shall come into play later, as at the moment they are just regular people) Trent was wearing a white off-the-shoulder pseudo muscle shirt and white pants, and his hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Chris (should I call him Wormy?) was wearing a white, sleeveless, midriff-bearing and quite snug shirt with pink coochie shorts (the whore!). Danny had on a loose black vest over a white shirt and jean shorts. Twiggy wore a white sweatshirt with yellow trim and yellow coochie shorts that matched Chris's. Charlie was wearing a sleeveless denim shirt and white shorts. Edge wore a frayed sleeveless red plaid shirt and jeans. They ALL wore helmets and elbow and knee pads. They also wore, mysteriously enough, matching watches... Suddenly Trent stopped skating. The others stopped as well, and then gathered around him. From his watch came: "CrazyLegs! BunnyButt! ScrewTape! HardDrive! Twiggy! DirtyDuff! You're needed!" The six of them looked at each other and nodded. In a flash of white, pink, blue, yellow, black, and red they were gone. They reappeared in a big room. Looming inside a huge glass cylinder was the face of Mr. Manson. "Zordmanson!" Trent said. "What happened?" "Go to the construction site quickly! If you don't, the world will be in danger of the ultimate evil - Ivan Ooze!" At the construction site.... "Uh excuse me, sir?" Chris asked the police officer guarding the site. "You wouldn't have happenned to see a morphological being around here, would you?" "Hmm..." the police officer pondered. "Would that look something like......THIS!?!?!" he shouted as he suddenly turned into Bono's alter personality, MacPhisto! "It's Ivan Ooze!" Charlie yelled. "Actually, that's MacPhistooze," MacPhistooze said. "At last! After being trapped here for 6,000 years I am free! Free to RULE THE WORLD with my evil ways!!!" He laughed malevolently and twirled around in his gold lame leisure suit. "No!" cried Danny. "You don't know who you're dealing with here!" Twiggy said. "Yeah, we'll kick your nasty butt right back where it came from!" Edge yelled. "Oh? And just WHO are 'we'?" MacPhistooze asked. Trent walked in front of the rest of his friends and said with authority: "THE MIGHTY MANSON NINE INCH RANGERS!" Later ~ after whupping up on MacPhistooze's minions of slime, the Nine Inch Rangers returned to their headquarters only to find it destroyed by MacPhistooze. Zordmanson was lying where his tube had been. ........blah, blah, a bunch more stupid movie plot I know all too well by now after seeing that movie two freaking times (don't ask for details, it's too traumatic)........... "Ay yie yie yie yie!" Alpha Berkowitz said. "You must get the ultimate power that resides on a distant planet or Zordmanson will die! I have just enough power left for you to go to the planet!" "Let's do it!" said Twiggy. on that distant planet.... "Aaaaa! MacPhistooze sent bird-guys to rip us limb from limb! Run!" Charlie screamed. ~okay, then we get a bunch of chopsocky involving the Nine Inch Rangers getting their butts whupped by a bunch of bird-guys~ Suddenly, a tall figure leapt into view and began beating the bird-guys with his staff. He had long hair and skin that in the harsh sunlight looked not brown but bronze. He wore an olive green bustier and something that was a cross between a thong and a loincloth with thigh-high green boots. Once all the bird-guys were beaten down, Trent, the leader, walked up to introduce the Rangers. He was struck down by the warrior's staff. "Please! We're here for the ultimate power! If we don't get it, our master Zordmanson will die!" Trent yelped. "Did you say Zordmanson?" the warrior asked. "Yeah!" piped in Edge. "MacPhistooze is gonna kill him!" "MacPhistooze is loose? Your world is in terrible danger, then. I am the warrior NastyPants. Come with me. To get the ultimate power you will have need of what I have to offer." In Nasty's lair... "To get the ultimate power, you will need the help of your Ninjeti spirit animals," NastyPants told them. "Spirit animals?" questioned Danny. "Close your eyes and look deep inside yourselves," Nasty replied. As they obeyed he blew magic sand on the fire that burned in front of the rangers. The rangers were suddenly clad in ninja outfits bearing their animals' emblem. NastyPants walked around their circle, surveying their new animals that are the manifestation of their soul. As he surveyed them, he said: To Trent: "CrazyLegs, the white ranger, you are the noble weiner dog - swift and sure, faithful, pestering, and shrill." CrazyLegs smiled at him and fingered his emblem fondly. To Chris: "BunnyButt, the pink ranger, you are the bunny (of course!) - fluffy and cute, you look good in battle." BunnyButt wiggled his little pink nose at her. To Danny: "ScrewTape, the black ranger, you are bread mold - quick, strong, and distastful, you are able to multiply quickly." Screwy blushed at the kind words. To Twiggy: "Twiggy, the yellow ranger, you are the ameoba - graceful and lithe, you are fluid in action and relentless in your pursuit of danger." Twiggy batted his eyes. To Charlie: "NaughtyChicken, the blue ranger, you are the penguin - fat and slick and pointy, you waddle with the utmost dependability." NaughtyChicken made penguin-like flippers with his hands, gazing wonderously at them. To The Edge: "DirtyDuff, the red ranger, you are the echinoderm - master of suction and regeneration, you are prickly and agile." DirtyDuff made sucking noises. To all: "Good luck on your journey!" and then he morphed into a giraffe and lumbered off. ~bunch more chopsocky, they get the ultimate power, blah blah blah..~ The Nine Inch Rangers returned to earth just in time to see MacPhistooze's two giant metal creatures devastating some city streets. "It's morphin' time!" CrazyLegs commanded. ::::theme music- go go nine inch rangers bum bum bum bum bum:::: "White weiner dog zord power!" "Pink bunny zord power!" "Black bread mold power!" "Yellow ameoba power!" "Blue penguin power!" "Red echinoderm power!" The zords immediately arrived at the scene of the destruction. The two creatures, seemingly modeled after ants or other insects were wreaking havoc on New Orleans. While the weiner dog yipped (annoying the hell out of one creature) and bit at its heels, the bread mold produced a powerful, rancid stench that made it woozy. The bunny hopped on it and smashed it into tiny pieces. That left one more creature. While the echinoderm sucked and held it in position, the combined power of the penguin's flippers and the ameoba's beatings destroyed it. But that left MacPhistooze to dispose of. He morphed into a giant, gold lame-clad zord of his own. The rangers combined their zords to make the ninja mega zord and the two of them flew into space. Then, they proceeded to lure him into a comet's path and distract him with a hearty kick in the crotch and MacPhistooze is....TERMINATED!!!!!! Happy, happy, la di dah, there are some fireworks and a whole subplot thing that doesn't matter. CrazyLegs resumed his position as Master of the Universe, and Nasty became a minion again. I think this escapade should qualify The Edge as an official minion. If Twiggy can be one, why not ol' DirtyDuff? Asking my spiral if it'll take me to Funkytown, Liz (reznomad@aol.com)
Subj: Barney goes Ballistic Date: 95-05-09 22:40:46 EDT From: PeachsDeux #1) Ruiner, you like rule. We talk like that too. You should join the Angela Appreciation Club Liz is starting at her school. It is like, cool or something cos everybody there like wants to be Angela just like us so it's like we're all there for one unifying purpose or whatever. Definitely. #2) Did you see it coming..... Rachel and Liz, PeachsDeux, Reznomad/Spiralmaid and HappiBunny, the two of us, together, were just getting into a heated game of peaknuckle when the oddest thing happenned. The doorbell rang. Rachel, with her trigger happy self, immediately ran for the gun. Liz: "Rachel!!! Nooooooooooo!" Rachel stopped, frozen in her tracks with the thought of the last time's punishment. Her ass burned in remembrance. Liz sang: "I'll get it" (Hi Honey I'm Home reference there for Nick at Nite viewers) She opened the door to see who else but ***THE MASTER*** himself, clad in a pink pizza hut shirt and visor with black pants. "That'll be 12.95, ma'am," he said without looking up. Rachel couldn't help herself. "Die pizza boy!!!" she shrieked and ran for the gun again. "Eep!" the Master eeped and he dove behind a shrub. "Rachel! No! It's the MASTER!!!" Liz yelled. He looked up, shocked at being recognized. "Noooooo!" He screamed as he curled himself up into a fetal position. Liz said: "Now see what you did?" Rachel: "Me? I just wanted to shoot him, you're the brain surgeon that revealed his identity!" We ran to him, trying to comfort him. After about 15 minutes he seemed to be coming around. Liz turned to Rachel: "Hey, Rachel. We're sitting in my front yard, just sitting here, and the Master is lying prone before us, unable to move or protect himself from our advances in any way, shape or form. I just realized that." We both swooned, and the three of us lay there behind a shrub in Liz's front yard together. It gets worse as it goes...Subj: My So-Called Master Date: 95-05-09 22:50:35 EDT From: PeachsDeux Later that day... The Master awoke from his stupor to find himself tied to a chair in Liz's bedroom. We'd ripped off that hideous pizza hut shirt and burned it. We were trying to decide what to replace it with. Rachel: "I think the brown dress really brings out his yellow undertones. Those earthy colors really just suit him better." Liz: "No! WAY too conservative. We want something kinda new, kinda different, kinda sassy! Something bold, something sexy for the Master. The blue bridesmaid dress is just so all of those. It like really brings out his eyes and stuff. Plus, I've got shoes that match!" Rachel: "True, true..okay let's go for it." We finally realized then that the Master CrazyLegs was coherent again. He shifted, testing his bonds, and the two of us nearly swooned again. "What the hell?" He questioned. He began to look angry, and it's not happy when the Master gets angry so Rachel thought fast. "Would you like some pizza CrazyLegs?" she asked him. His face lit up. Everything seemed to be going fine - Rachel was bringing him a slice of double cheese with extra tomato sauce - when disaster struck. She tripped, and inadvertently slopped the slice right in the Master's face. Liz stopped breathing. Rachel utterred a single, terrified exclamation: "shit!" We were sure we were dead when suddenly two pieces of pizza levitated over to us and smeared all over our faces. "Hey!" Liz said. "No fair using your godly powers!" In the ensuing war that erupted, the Master was winning. Though he was cheating horribly - using his powers and then having the nerve to call on two of his minions, NastyPants and Twiggy. ("They're good for something at least" he muttered) The fridge had been raided and the war moved to Liz's parents' bedroom. Twiggy was holding Liz down while NastyPants kneeled over her and wiped cottage cheese all over her (note from Liz: :::quiver:::) while CrazyLegs was taunting Rachel by telekinetically pinning her down while he dumped mayonaise on top of her (note from Rachel: :::splat:::) when suddenly a car pulled into the driveway. "OH MY GOD, IT'S MY PARENTS!!! QUICK, RUN, HIDE!!!!!!!" Liz screamed. find out what happens next.... Subj: Pizza for Peachs Date: 95-05-09 23:06:18 EDT From: PeachsDeux Twiggy made for her parents' closet, NastyPants flew under the bed, and CrazyLegs ducked behind a door while we sat on the bed, flipped on the TV, and did our best to look nonchalant while wiping food out of our eyes. Liz's parents walked in. "Hello," we said calmly. "Liz...Rachel..what have you done to this room? And why are you covered in food?" Liz's mother asked. "Aw, c'mon Mom, don't act like you don't know about Rachel's eating disorder," Liz, ever so witty, said. A burst of giggles came from under the bed. We looked at each other frantically while the parents exchanged suspicious glances. "Oh, poor Stormy!" Rachel said. "Uh, yeah! My poor baby!" Liz added. "Sounds like he's got another hairball!" From under the bed came gagging noises followed by a very unrealistic "meow. meow. purrr. meow" followed by more giggles from behind the door. Liz's mother just sighed and walked across the room. We both cringed as she opened the door and walked into the closet. From inside we heard: "Uh, honey? Why is there a man in my closet? And wearing my best Victoria's Secret black bra!?!?!" She came out, followed by a guilty looking Twiggy, who was indeed clothed in her bra and a pair of old bicycle shorts from Liz's tee ball days. (that should tell you how tight they were) (note from both of us: :::shiver:::) "Dumb ass" came from behind the door. "What the..?" Liz's dad asked and closed the door to reveal CrazyLegs, face smeared with pizza, ropes still looped loosely about his upper arms and thighs and wearing only a pink pizza hut visor and nappy old black pants. "Uh, hi" he said sheepishly. At that point, Liz's mom had dragged NastyPants out from under the bed. "If only Bunny could see this!" he said, still giggling and meowing. "Liz, what are these people doing here?" the parents asked. "Um, sorry sir, we're, uh, Jehova's witnesses. We were spreading the word of the Lord and, uh, things got a little out of hand." CrazyLegs replied. The parents were starting to get that I-don't-believe-this look, like they didn't buy the story, when a puff of gray smoke appeared. "You called?" BunnyButt said as he hopped into view. "I brought your whip, Master, in case you needed it to get control of the situation," ScrewTape added as he waltzed in. The parents were really freaking then, as Bunny was in his traditional bunny suit and Screwy was wearing something straight out of Saturday Night Fever. The Master took that opportunity to take charge of the situation. "No need for that," he told Screwy, and he fixed the parental units with his godly stare."You will remember nothing." With a wave of his hand all trace of food was gone from the room. "Bye, girlies, it's been fun. I've got to go be a mean, angry, god again now. Back to the grind, you know. A Dark Lord's work is never done." He said as the 5 of them walked towards the smoke. He leaned closer, and in a lighter tone said "and uh, could you kinda keep quiet about my day job? It might ruin my angry Lord image, and it's kinda embarrassing..." Then they were gone. Oh well, too late now. Thank you, and please pray for My So-Called Life. The Angela Appreciation Club thanks you for your loyalty to that, the greatest TV show ever. SAVE MSCL!!! IT MUST LIVE ON!!!! ANGELA IS LIKE SO COOL AND STUFF I JUST WISH I WERE HER OR SOMETHING!!!!! Toodles! Going out for pizza with our spirals, Liz and Rachel reznomad@aol.com
Subj: A Few Good Minions 1 Date: 95-07-29 22:05:55 EDT From: Edgedwellr remember me? (Liz, bka the nomad of reznorland) anyway, Liz here. Something bizarre, if you will, occurred to myself and Rachel the other day and I figured I'd tell y'all about it. We were at her house at the breakfast table. It was a morning just like any other morning - get up, get dressed, sacrifice brekky to the Toast God, and head out for a day of frolicking. Rachel: Blessed art thou among toast, and hallowed be thy name. Me, speaking to doomed piece of bacon: "Do not despair, O bacon, for you die in honor of the mighty toast god, and it is a noble death." Both of us slurped some coffee, raised our forks high, and said together "Farewell, valiant bacon." But before we could sacrifice the first of our breakfast, something odd began to happen. The orange juice started to froth. The eggs began dancing on the table. The Toast God (a piece of toast in the middle of the table) caught fire and filled the room with hazy smoke. Out of the smoke stepped the Master. "You worship false gods," He said. "But I'll let it slide this time. After all, it _was_ a piece of toast. Besides, boy am I thirsty. I sure could go for a cup of coffee right now." He sat down and looked pointedly at us. Rachel immediately leapt from her chair to the coffee machine. I gave her the eyebrow signal and she slipped a little something into his cup. What he didn't know was that we had been planning this for weeks. She handed Master CrazyLegs his coffee tentatively. He sipped it carefully. "Mm, interesting taste. What is that, chicory?" he asked. "Uh, yeah, that's it. Chicory. Special southern blend," she replied. I said under my breath,"What the hell is chicory?" "Hell if I know," Rachel whispered back. We sat there, ogling him as he sipped his coffee. He was used to this reaction from us, so he realized nothing until it was too late. We saw him grow weaker and weaker in his chair. "Master?" I questioned. "Mmphk?" he replied. "Are you alright?" Rachel asked. "Mphummmmmnnn." he responded. We grinned evilly. "Your parents are gonna be gone the next, what, week and a half?" I asked. "Yup," she replied and looked at the Master, who was slumped over. His face was smushed up against the table and he was making small, unintelligable noises of unconsciousness. "C'mon Trenty. Time for nooky-blinkums," I said as I led him away. to be cont...... "Where should we put him?" I asked. He seemed to be trying to get away, but only succeeded in practically bashing his face in on the counter. (if Trent read this, he'd probably either a) laugh hysterically of the portrait I'm going to paint of him or b) track me down and beat the (iloveyou) out of me & Rachel) Our gazes fell upon the atrium at the same time. A small, plexiglass-walled room for housing plants and the pet snake, it was perfect for housing the groggy Master. We were heading off to Lowe's for "equipment" when he seemed to semi-wake from his daze to see Fluffy inching toward him slowly. As we walked out the door, the last thing I saw was him with his back to the wall and a look of terror on his face. later~ "Wow, who would've thought Lowe's carried chains and handcuffs?" Rachel commented. As we reached her front door, we were stopped in her tracks by the sound of voices inside. "What the hell?" I asked in my best Mr. Anderson voice. Suddenly, the door opened. There stood Chuckles, wearing a green pilot's uniform. "Thank you for choosing Delta," he said and saluted us. We stepped inside and glanced at the atrium. The Master, with only his head visible through the coils of snake, was desperately pounding the glass with his forehead while Fluffy coiled further. BunnyButt was seated cross-legged opposite the glass, pointing a giggling insanely so much that he began rolling around on the floor and wheezing. A flying brassiere obscured my vision for a moment. Clothes were all of the sudden flying everywhere. NastyPants sauntered out of Rachel's parents' bedroom, clad in a flowing white summer dress, bright pink stockings, and ski boots. "Oh, hello," he said. "Do you think the ski boots are too much?" He held out 2 shades of lipstick. "Which one goes better with my stockings?" Rachel pointed to the dark fuschia one, and he bounded off again. We heard a moan coming from the bathroom. We looked in to see Screwy furiously scrubbing the mouth of the toilet. "O Great Porcelain God, share insight with your poor minion who has been misled as of late." He groaned and collapsed, hugging the toilet. "you're so beautiful, and the flourescent gleam against your smooth, shiny surface mesmerizes me. Permit me to stroke thy surface." (was that going too far? It was the Master Himself who said "Sometimes it's fun just to be retarded" Sometimes?) We headed back to the atrium. Through the screen door was could see Chaz, still in uniform, on his hands and knees bonding in the backyard with Rachel's dog. (BONDING, not in bondage (g)) Things w/ the Master looked grim. All we could see now was a tuft of black hair and hear pleading moans coming from his general direction. Bunny was, of course, nearly splitting his sides. "Bunny, come give us a hand," Rachel said. He hopped up, still laughing but always eager to please, to help us pry Fluffy off the Master. He was still limp from the drugs and exhausted from fighting off the snake, so moving him to Rachel's bedroom was a simple matter. Subj: A Few Good Minions 2 Date: 95-07-29 22:06:30 EDT From: Edgedwellr I had Bunny chain his wrists to the bedposts, making sure they were extra tight. "Rachel," I said."Get his belt off him. That could come in handy." Bunny and I set to the task of the REAL torture. I was on the phone with the radio station in seconds. "Yes, I'd like to make a few requests for bands. Yeah, could you play some stuff by the Dave Matthews Band, Mariah Carey, All 4 One, Color Me Badd, Wilson Phillips, and Gillette? Thanks." I turned to see Rachel straddling the Master with her hands down his pants practically to the elbows. "Rachel!" Bunny scolded. "Taking advantage of Master CrazyLegs is wrong! You should've told me so I could watch," and then he began laughing again. We were all on the bed, generally taking advantage of his current state, when I heard a whimper. At first I thought it was just Rachel recollecting what she had been about to do, but then I realized it was the Master! "Everybody off!" I yelled. "He's coming to!" As we slid off, Rachel finally managed to get his belt off of him with a thwack as it hit his skin. There was a shriek. (apparently he's not used to being on the recieving end) "Gag him!" Rachel ordered. Bunny, forever faithful, pulled out a rag from his pocket (he's always prepared, too) and stuffed it in CrazyLegs' mouth. The Master's eyes went wide and he began mouthing things against the cloth. From the look on his face at Podboy, they were none too nice. Just then Robin bounded in again, with a chartruce pinstriped bra and baby blue teddy. "Oh, hi Master. Which one do you think goes with my eyes better?" The Master stopped struggling for a moment to ponder. "Blink once for the bra, twice for the teddy." The Master blinked twice and Nasty ran off with a squeal of glee. "Hmm. We've finally got him. Now what should we do with him?" "Let's shave off all his body hair!" Bunny suggested. There was a pathetic whimper from the Master. "Sure it'd be fun to DO," I pointed out. "But he'd look like a freak, like a shaved squirrel or something." "Meanwhile, we've got this nifty belt," Rachel said, emphasizing by snapping it in her hands. The Master raised an eyebrow. "Hey now!" I whined. "You already copped a feel, or tried to at least. I get to whip him!" I stood at the head of the bed, looking down at him. "Considering who he is and all, I think we should do something really _special_." The other two nodded. "Rachel, Chris, go to the reefer. We're gonna need some raw meat and condiments." now that I've got your interest... can you see what's coming? i think you can.... Rachel and Bunny returned with the stuff, and we stripped him down to his zebra-striped skivvies. "Someone's been around NastyPants too long," Rachel commented. The meat was passed around, everyone taking a choice piece of steak adn favorite condiment. Soon the Master's flesh was covered in yellow, red, and brown (soy sauce). I raised my steak high and brought it down with a loud "Don't run around naked, boy!". Rachel repeated the gesture, saying "Put some clothes on! Didn't yo mama learn you nothin?" Bunny couldn't even bring himself to really strike the Master. He just slapped the meat down with a pathetic thwip that sent him into hysterics. He was on the floor tossing bits of meat around him with glee when I ordered him to check the Master's bonds. He sprang up and went over to the side of the bed. Suddenly all laughter was gone from his face. "Oh (TOS) oh (TOS) oh (TOS) oh (TOS)" he repeated. The Master rose up to stand on the bed, trying to regain his dignity despite his zebra undies and mustard-matted hair. "You. My trusted minion. And you two, troublesome mortals. How DARE you interrupt my plans -" ::::SMACK:::: the Master was caught full force in the back of the head by the ceiling fan, interrupting his lecture. It sent him reeling, with flecks and splatters of mustard, ketchup, soy sauce, and even little bits of beef flying through the air because of the impact. BunnyButt was absolutely beside himself, too incoherent with hysterical laughter to even make out words other than "Master - hit - head ::wheeze:: ack! ::snort:: heah heah HAHA HA!!!" We lunged for him, but too late. Our environment changed drastically. We were sitting, handcuffed to the seats, in a courtroom. Bunny was in the witness seat, only now in his formal Bunny suit as oppossed to his Bunny pjs. The other minions, seated by us, looked completely blank. Nasty straightened his minidress, Charlie scratched at a flea, and Danny was looking longingly at the court bathroom. Punishment comes nextSubj: A Few Good Minions 5 Date: 95-07-29 22:08:25 EDT From: Edgedwellr The gavel pounded. The Master, seated in the judge's seat and wearing black robe and white wig said in a loud voice, "Court is now in session. The honorable Trent Reznor presiding. How do you plead?" There was no answer. The courtroom was completely silent, except for the rustle of saffron as Nasty shifted in his seat. "Fine, then I find you all GUILTY! Guilty guilty guilty!!!" There was still nothing but silence in the courtroom. "Apparently you all need to be taught a good lesson. My minions have grown undisciplined and the natives restless and willing to defy authority while they cannot prevent them from doing so. Well, no more!" He walked up to Nasty. With a few waves of his right hand, Nasty's clothing was transformed. He now stood in the courtroom wearing a Polo shirt, chinos, penny loafers, a sweater wrapped around his shoulders, and sported a blonde crew cut. The screaming was horrible. He moved on the Screwy, and took him out of the room and into the bathroom for his punishment, apparently to prove the futility of worshipping a toilet and how superior HE was. He obviously desecrated the shrine in some manner, for Screwy's screams nearly topped Nasty's. He then turned to Charlie, who was staring at him and panting. He began to raise his hand, but then decided, "Nah. It's not worth it," and gave him a bowl of Kibble. He looked at us and said "Just wait until I get them back to normal. THEN your punishment shall come. You thought you pissed me off when you shot a minion? You just wait." At last his gaze fell to Bunny. "I'm afraid you've made me do it, old friend. For your own sake. Don't worry, I'll give it back someday. But now you must be punished. I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to take from you your fluffy tail." And I thought the others' screams were bad. Poor BunnyButt was groveling at the Master's feet when suddenly... "NO!" shouted someone from the back of the courtroom. Four figures were visible......Subj: A Few Good Minions 6 Date: 95-07-29 22:09:08 EDT From: Edgedwellr Bono (cmon people, I need a nickname. He's modeled after Memnoch, but it's not like I can call him GoatHooves or something!) walked up to the front of the courtroom, followed by DirtyDuff (The Edge), SheepsHead (Adam), and (insert witty nickname here) (Larry). "That's just too cruel! I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't just stand by and watch you do that to him!" he said. His minions nodded. "Ah, (Bono's nickname), my eternal adversary, I believe perhaps this time you are right. Well, luckily I have a backup plan that should prove quite enjoyable." He turned to Bono's minions and said, "Do me a favor, would you? Go get the Manson minions. They won't want to miss this, no matter HOW much fun they're having guest-spotting on NYPD Blue as the gang of ruffians!" Before our eyes, the scenery changed again. Apparently we were to be punished later, for the Master let us watch what they did to poor Bunny as his punishment. After the threat of losing his tail he was almost happy to get something different. All the minions, be they the Master's minons, the secondary Manson minions, or the Memnoch minions, crowded around Rachel's atrium. Fluffy was mysteriously missing. We watched as they gave BunnyButt a double dose of No-Doz and locked him in the atrium with a big red ball. This continued for three days, with regular double doses three times per day. They maybe took a little too much pleasure in it, but I have to admit it WAS funny. Once let out, and after recovering for a few hours, he was his normal old sadist self again. Or so the Master thought... "You will be punished later tonight, and I will continue to punish you for as long as I see fit. I will also bring along any help needed to subdue you. If you ever, EVER try something this ludicrous again, I'll....I'll......" he trailed off. The Master left the room, satisfied. "I'll..." he began. He let loose a little stream of giggles. Then, composing himself, he followed the rest of them on their way out. Reznomad@aol.com
Subj: drugged up fantasies Date: 95-05-01 20:09:00 EDT From: Spiralmaid first: any crack-smoking habits of certain friends of mine have absolutely nothing to do with the creation of her demented mind. I mean, look at me. I don't need drugs to act like this, it's just my personality. and then: I stayed home from school today. I'm so sick. I'm miserable. I barely talk above a whisper (very odd for me) and my throat hurts, my nose is stuffy and runny at the same time, and I just FEEL LIKE CRAP!!! And I'm very tired 'cos I'm on prescription medication and NastyPants' cruel little remark didn't help, either. Despite our, uh, falling out with his, the nastiest of all pants, I seem to have him on my mind. I've been boning up on my Romeo and Juliet to make up for what I'm missing. While reading, being the Walter Mitty-like person that I am (did you know that, out of the 1/4 of the population that is fantasy prone, like 1/4 or 1/5 of them can get to an orgasm from fantasy alone? Wierd little psychology tidbit there, I think those are the right numbers), I lasped into fanstasy.... moi: "O NastyPants, NastyPants, wherefore art thou NastyPants! Deny thy Master and refuse thy name! Or if thou will not, be but sworn to my love, and I will no longer be a priestess!" And who stood below me but the Big Nasty himself!! Looking quite Romeo-ish in his nice little tunic and very becoming tights. The thought of men in tights brought me to my next little ditty.... "Tis I, Robin of NastyPants!" Cried the imposing figure that leapt from the tree. Three of the Merry Men, Little Chris, Danpu, and Friar Twiggy (ha!! had to put him in there since We2Askew started it..oh how I love Twiggy. Note the irony of his merry position). "Wait!" Trent Scarlet yelled. "He is not fit to lead us. _I_ am your leader!" "Sit down, fool. I am far more qualified than you!" Robin of NastyPants retorted. "Not so, _brother_!!!!" Trent Scarlet revealed. There were gasps from the Merry Men. "You lie!!!!!" Robin of NastyPants said, but looked unconvincing. Maybe I should go to bed. Toodles, Liz (reznomad@aol.com)
Subj: evil, evil I say... Date: 95-04-21 21:06:22 EDT From: PeachsDeux You thought We2Askew w/ Pastry and Teryn was bad.... Well, here we are, PeachsDeux, REZNOMAD/Spiralmaid and HAPPIBUNNY, Liz and Rachel. Mwah ha, mwah ha ha ha!!!! (evil laughter) Since Teryn isn't here and We2 cannot entertain you, Rachel and Liz are here w/ their sick little minds and their worshipfullness. We can't stay long, we're just here now to introduce ourselves...but, wait, what's that? Liz: Rachel, do you hear something? Rachel: Sounds like.....knocking? Liz: AAAAAAA!!! Get the gun!!!! Quick!!!! Rachel: OK, OK, I got it!!! I'm ready!!! I'll shoot that scumbag!!! (BANG!!!!!) Liz: HOLY S#$%!!!!!!!! Rachel, you just shot NastyPants!!!!! Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!! I'm sorry!!! I thought you were a sick pervert coming to invade our household!!! Oh, wait... Liz: He's speaking! Shut up!! And his last words before he dissappeared were: Revenge...... UH OH!!!! I guess we've pissed him off now!! Dammit, you started this, NINVinyl!!!! Look where all this has gotten us. Now we're all doomed!! Master, Master if you're reading our words know that we're really really sorry!!! (both of us lay face down on the floor, begging you forgiveness) Liz: Rachel, wait a minute, do you feel a burning sensation similar to that Vinyl wrote about? Rachel: Oh my god!!!! My ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well, neither of us will be sitting down for a while, deeply inscribed in our, uh, I guess you figured out what body part, is: Bow down before the one you serve. I guess it's an incentive to keep exactly where we are!!! Master, we're sorry!!!! Rachel: Please, accept our forgiveness soon! I want my lily-white ass back!!! Liz: I feel like such a freak!!! How am I going to explain the burn marks in the dressing room?? Subj: REVENGE & PUNISHMENT Date: 95-04-22 01:56:45 EDT From: BunnyButt1 I have been asked to relay the events of this evening by He, Himself, Master CrazyLegs..... Earlier I was sent on a mission to the house in which the two, reznomad and happibunny, or peachsdeux, by His Darkness. These two have committed an even worse error than NINVinyl by actually physically harming His Master's minion. Needless to say, the Master was quite, uh, disgruntled by this series of events, which led up to the, uh, unfortunate encounter the three of us shared. I walked into the house, being sure to announce my presence with a puff of purple smoke, as I was afraid I would be fired upon. Riding crop in hand, I proceeded carefully into the domicile. I stopped in the kitchen for a cup of joe. (Dragnet joke there) I guess I looked pretty imposing, what with the riding crop and the whole Demolition Man-esque tire fetish wear, for Liz and Rachel came sliding out on their knees, getting a nasty carpet burn. "That's gotta hurt" I observed. "It's nothing compared to my ass right now," replied Rachel. "Damn right. I haven't been able to sit down for the last week!! The pain, the pain...." Liz sobbed. "I am here on orders to make your lives a living hell. Now, this information which I seek can come nice and easy, or the hard way!" "Oooh, the hard way, the hard way!!!!" "Shut the hell up, Liz!!!" :::smmmmack::: "This isn't meant for your enjoyment!!!!" I roared. "Now, let's play a little game of Truth or Dare. Liz, since your so eager, why don't you go first!!" I watched with glee as Liz shrank into the corner, quivering with fear. "Well?!?" I bellowed. "Which do you want, truth or dare?" "Uhh, whichever you want....." Liz said. Rachel looked on, inching toward the door. But I saw what she was planning. In a single motion I whipped out my hand, sending the riding crop accross the room to smack on her ass. She howled in pain and fell to the floor. "Now, Liz, how about truth. You're going to tell me everything I want to know, right?" I said. "Sure...whatever you say, BunnyButt," she said in a very small voice. I moved accross the room to inspect Liz's CD and tape collection. I noticed happily the profusion of NIN stuff. But then, but then, I saw something that made my heart stop beating for a moment. "So, it's true, Liz. You listen to a wide variety of music? What's THIS!?!!" in one motion my hand let go of a tape I was holding, throwing it accross the room. It rebounded off her forehead and landed in front of her, face up. She looked at it in terror. "I taped it off my friend!!!! Wait, it's not mine, it's, uh, RACHEL'S!!!!" Rachel moaned from her position down on the carpet "No, it's a lie. Look at the handwriting." "Is this your handwriting, Liz? This handwriting that says BOYZ II MEN!?!?!!?!?!?!?" I screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! NO NO NO !!!!" Liz shrieked. Rachel took the opportunity to break for the window, but in a flash I grabbed her by the legs and yanked her back over by the spot on the floor where Liz was covering her face and crying. "I've got a little surprise for you, Rachel. Yours is even worse. I happen to know that you own a little CD by a certain woman named MARIAH CAREY!!!! Mwah ha, mwah ha ha haaaaaahhhh!" "Eeep!" Rachel shrieked and went into the fetal position, sucking her thumb and twisting a lock of hair in one finger. I simply laughed. "My work here is done". I heard my tummy grumbling so I headed out to the local MickeyD's and grabbed myself a number 3 Extra Value Meal. Yummy. reznormad@aol.com
Meeting The Master Subj: uh, I'm like..... Date: 95-08-04 22:20:32 EDT From: Reznomad Well, what with the trend of being completely honest, I figured I'd come out and say something, too. You know how I said I'd never really met the Master? Well, I lied. See, something rather odd happenned during school last year. Actually, it was on a weekend, at a debate tournament. It was the second day of the tourney, the last day. I was pretty sick of debating. My partner, Susanna, and I had gone 0-3 and were headed to our fourth and final round. We were really depressed because we had deserved to win all of them, but for some odd reason the stupid judges with their heads somewhere I can't talk about on AOL sided with all the freaky junior high kids we had gone up against. (Losing to jr high kids -- talk about humiliation) When we finally found our room, I had to go to the bathroom because my stupid pantyhose were about to cut off my circulation. I told Susanna to watch our evidence (newpaper articles and clips from stuff are called evidence, to you non-debators) while I headed off. Once the offending pantyhose had been taken care of (messed up pantyhose is the worst torture in the WORLD) and my skirt was smoothed, hair brushed, generally trying to look my best as a little suck-up, I returned to the room. "Susanna?" I asked, because the room looked completely empty. I walked in a little further, because I saw our tubs of stuff sitting on a desk. Suddenly the door slammed behind me. There was a flurry of activity, which involved the doors being locked and windows fogged up so no one could see in. When everything calmed down again, and I saw what was happenning, I was shocked. The minions had, for some reason, put on what looked to be their best outfits. Then it hit me, when the Master sat down in the back of the room. _They_ were the negative team. And the Master was the judge. "So, is this, like, our plan or something?" Screwy asked me when I sat down by him. He was holding up a binder full of evidence. "You don't even know how to debate!?!?!" I asked, and looked at the Master pleadingly. "Don't worry," he told me. "Neither do those two. And neither do I." Things were looking up for this round. "OK, Screwy, here's our strategy, okay?" I whispered, as Bunny and Nasty discussed something on their side of the room.Subj: ....eloquent with my words.... Date: 95-08-04 22:21:22 EDT From: Reznomad "OK, Nasty, get up there," the Master said. "But wait!" I told the Master. "What about the resolution? They don't have a plan. We'll go aff!" "Too late. There's a new resolution. And anyway, I like their plan better than your icky plan about genital mutilation," he replied. I blinked, and for the first time looked at him hard. He was wearing old granny glasses and a dress that looked like it was straight from the 1800s. I was starting to get worried about him -- I mean, his hair was in a BUN -- when I saw a bit of combat boot under the lace of the dress. He grinned at me. "Just getting into charachter." Nasty approaced the podium. He brushed some of his hair away from his face and shuffled his papers. He was wearing glasses on top of his head, a white french-cuffed blouse, a pleated plaid *very* short green skirt, some of those thigh-high stockings, and a pair of dress shoes. The Master gestured, and he began. "In accordance with this year's resolution, resolved: Steve Gottlieb is a jerk and should have the stuffing beat out of him, my partner, BunnyButt, and I present to you the following four plank plan: plan plank one, mandates: Trent Reznor, Dark Lord of the universe, will appear to Steve in a cloud of smoke and beat the crap out of him. plan plank two, funding: This plan will cost nothing. Absolutely nothing. plan plank three, enforcement: Enforcement shall be through Our Master, Trent Reznor. plan plank force, enactment: This plan shall be implemented upon the signing of the ballot for the affirmative team. Advantage one: satisfaction The Master shall get no small amount of satisfaction out of this plan. Advantage two: make earth a better place If The Master beats the tar out of Steve G, the earth will be a much happier place. Thank you, and please vote for the affirmative team." Nasty sat down. Screwy and I just stared, open mouthed. "How the hell do we compete with that?" I whispered to him. He shrugged. "Well, you're second negative. Go cross x him." Screwy rose to the podium to question Nasty.Subj: ..plus i can like.... Date: 95-08-04 22:22:04 EDT From: Reznomad "So, uh, what are you doing?" he asked. Nasty looked at him. "The Master's gonna beat the crap out of Steve Gottlieb. Duh." Screwy glared at him. I could see his hands clinch under the sleeves of his pristine pink suit. The jacket was a little too big, and the pants were WAY too tight, but I had absolutely no problem with that. Besides, I had quite a view of both of them from my seat. "Why do you think this will be a good plan?" "Because of our two advantages." Screwy frowned. So far we were getting completely killed. "Well, uh...." his look hardened. I could tell he was really mad. Apparently Screwy takes his debate seriously. "Well, you say the earth will be better off? What about the current disestablishmentarianistic policies towards the third world as represented by our current diplomacy? Are you trying to say that this will HELP matters?" Nasty looked completely stunned. He twirled a lock of hair around his index finger. "Uh, yes?" Screwy moved in for the kill. "Yes to what?" "Uh, our plan will....help...that....." "No further questions, judge." Screwy said. I went up to the podium. "You have 8 minutes," said Chuck, wearing a huge timer around his neck. He was sitting next to the Master, who was frowning. "Uh, okay. Start time. Look, Master, judge, whatever, if you implement their plan, look at what it's going to do to the rest of the nation. They say it'll help, but you'll notice that what my partner said in cross examination is completely correct. It will do nothing about current diplomacy to the third world. Also, will it help the homeless? Do they care about poor Bob, who lives out on the streets and has AIDS but will get no health care because he's uninsured?!?! Do they care about the thousands of people persecuted daily? No, they just want to see Steve G get his hinder kicked. Well, I'm not buying it! And you shouldn't either! Vote negative! Stop this absurdity they call a plan! Thank you." "Uh, you only used a minute and thirty seconds...." Charlie said. "It's all I needed. I am now open for cross examination." Bunny got out of his seat, holding a legal pad and studying it. He was wearing gray slacks with a white bunny tail pasted to the ass with a white shirt much like Nasty's, and a blue bunny ribbon in his hair (what little of it there is). "So, why should we care about this guy Bob? I mean, (clouser) Bob! Who gives a (finck) about Bob?" he said.Subj: ..talk real good or something. Date: 95-08-04 22:22:40 EDT From: Reznomad My parter leapt to his feet. "Bob is a human BEING, man!" and proceeded to run over to where Bunny stood and beat the snot out of him. "Hey! Quit beating up my partner!" Nasty yelled, and jumped on top of the two of them. "Dogpile on BunnyButt!" Chuckles screeched, and jumped on him. 30 minutes later, after the Master and I had pulled them apart (we watched for 28 minutes -- the Master thought it was hilarious) even though the debate wasn't finished the Master rendered his judgement. "Even though a very strong case was presented by the negative team, and I even almost started to care about 'Bob', I have voted for the affirmative. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be beating the tobacco juice out of a certain friend of ours." he disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "Woo hoo!" the minions yelled, and immediately followed him. Or so I thought. Screwy stayed behind for a second. "Too bad we lost," he said. "Yeah," I said. "You know, you're very persuasive. You think you could get the Master to visit more often? Or at least send y'all down every once in a while?" He started laughing, and followed in his fellow minions' footsteps.
Subj: ER: Dr Reznor on duty 1 Date: 95-08-07 20:44:00 EDT From: Reznomad Well, it was an everyday afternoon. Rachel and I were playing with my Blue Ranger Zord toy from Mickey D's, (Rachel: "Wolf zord, power up!" Liz: "Go Blue Ranger!!!"), and trying to play trivial pursuit (I actually got one right about the Twiggy, and Rachel got one right about some guy named Dick Tuck) My mother and father were out on a drive. "No, you stupid idiot, the capital of Iowa isn't SCRANTON!!!!" I yelled. "And carcinogens don't cause acne!" Rachel retorted. Suddenly, our fight was interrupted. We managed to reconcile for a moment. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! NO NO NO NO NO TURN IT OFF. DEAR GOD, MAKE IT STOP! NOT THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND ANYTHING BUT THAT!" we both screeched. Rachel quickly changed the channel to VH1, where we started screaming anew. "OH MY GOD IT'S HOOTIE AND THE FISH-BLOW!!!" (whoever said that, we are indebted to your wit forever) "(reznor) (clouser) (vrenna) (finck) (lohner)!!!!" came from....Emmy Lou?!?!! "Liz...why is Emmy Lou cussing at us?" Rachel asked. "Uh, Emmy? Uh...." I said. (Note: Emmy Lou is a stray cat we've let stay in our house til we find her owners or a new home for her) She began to quiver, then morphed into....BunnyButt! "AAAAAAAAAAAAA! You slept on my bed! I feel so violated!" I screeched. "To think, I held you to my busom!" Rachel added. "Mwah ha ha hahh, mwah ha ha ha haaaahhh," Bunny said. "Buunny, you got some susplainin to dooo!" I said in my thoroughly annoying Ricky Ricardo voice. (Rachel is damning the show I got that off of, because it's my new little catchphrase. Heh heh heh) "I just dropped by to see y'all were up to!" He said, picking up the Wolf Zord and eyeing it warily. "It's my little cousin's," I said immediately. "And we weren't watching Power Rangers a minute ago." He gave us a sadistic grin. "Oooh, Tommy's so fine! And that little slut Kimberly!" he mocked us. Rachel and I groaned. "And Liz. Sleeping on your bed ::snicker:: I could hear what you were listening to last night," he hinted, with evil laughter. "Ack!" I said, and tried to think of something to divert him QUICKLY. "Something to drink anyone?" I asked. Subj: ER: Dr Reznor on duty 2 Date: 95-08-07 20:44:36 EDT From: Reznomad "Sure," replied Bunny. "Whatever ya got." I strolled into the kitchen to get us some drinks. From the living room I heard.. Bunny: "Yeah, you know, your busom was kinda nice actually." ::snicker:: Rachel: "You little (finck)!" ::slap:: Bunny: "Don't hit me, you sadist!" ::smack:: ::pow:: Rachel: "Oh, yeah, _I'M_ the sadist, you (lohner) (clouser) (reznor)!" ::thwap:: Bunny: "Call me names, will you?" ::bonk:: ::zoink:: ::fwzoing:: ::splat:: Rachel: "AAAAA! No biting! You cheater!" ::kapow:: ::kwfling:: ::plop:: Bunny: "I'm only biting 'cos you spit on me!" ::hock:: ::whoosh:: "What the hell?" I said as I rushed back into the living room to find Rachel and Bunny rolling around on the floor, smacking each other. They both looked up guiltily. I noticed something around Rachel's mouth that shocked. "GOOD GOD, YOU'RE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH! HE'S GIVEN YOU RABIES! AAA!" I screamed. Bunny looked at Rachel, shocked. "I don't have rabies!" he said indignatly. "I'm a very CLEAN bunny!" "Well, we're going to the vet's, just in case. C'mon, bunnies," I said as I led them out the door. "Hmm," I pondered once outside. "Anyone know how to hot-wire a car?" "I do! I do!" Bunny yelped, and in a few minutes we were on our way. Subj: ER: Dr Reznor on duty 3 Date: 95-08-07 20:45:16 EDT From: Reznomad I drove along, being careful to obey all signs as not to get pulled over. From the backseat: "Liz! Bunny's on my side of the seat!" Rachel whined. "You hit me first!" Bunny shrieked. "Did not, you pulled my hair!" "SHUT UP, both of you!" I yelled, nearly hitting an old lady. "(reznor)" "What was that, Liz?" Bunny asked innocently. "I'll tell you what it was, you little (clouser) (lohner)...." Rachel took the opportunity to give him a wet willy, only dispensing of the nicety of licking you finger and going for the full tongue effect. "RACHEL, GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF HIS EAR BEFORE I (long description of very painful, torturous acts of bunny abuse)!" I screamed, swerving so as not to hit the school children walking accross the street towards the zoo. Finally, we reached the vet's office. I should have realized things were gonna be wierd when I talked to the receptionist. "Oh, Bunny again," Nasty said. "What have you done now?" "He gave Rachel some kind of disease," I replied. "Bunny!" Nasty replied, shocked. He looked down to see the two 'bunnies' still slapping each other. "What did the Master tell us about these two?" Bunny looked up like the Master was speaking a foreign language and shrugged. Nasty leaned over. "That one.." he pointed at me "is with child. By the Master. Hands OFF." (long story, he came to me in a dream, now I'm pregnant. Just so you know) "The other one....he has plans for her." Bunny still didn't know what was going on, but then he didn't seem to care much, either. Nasty sighed. "Alright, the doctor will see y'all now. This way." His white uniform rustled as he led us down the hall. (Those stilleto heels make quite a racket on the linoleum, too!) As soon as he led us through the door, he went over to a counter and began filing his nails in true receptionist style. "Well. What have we here?" Screwy asked. He looked at me oddly. "My, Liz, going crazy with the Twinkies?" I glared at him. "That's not polite. And it's your own Master who made me this way!" Screwy looked puzzled. "He gave you a lot of Twinkies? Is that why I didn't get any?" "You idiot! I'm with child!" Screwy looked shocked. "But...but.....the MASTER?!?!" "Hey! I'm a sexually agressive woman, and I like it!" I said. (Demi Moore, Disclosure quote) He seemed to recover. "Well why are you coming to a vet? Don't tell me he's making another bunny!" "I hope not. That'd be hell to milk," I said. "I'm here for Rachel and Bunny. I think he gave her some kind of disease." Screwy looked shocked, once again. "Bunny, NO!" Subj: ER: Dr Reznor on duty 4 Date: 95-08-07 20:45:53 EDT From: Reznomad "I didn't sleep with her, I slept with Liz! I promise!" Bunny shrieked. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Screwy looked frightened. "The doctor will be here any moment! Fornicating with the carrier of his child! I pity you, young fool!" "God, I just slept on the other side of the bed. I was a (reznor-damned) cat!" Bunny said in his defense. Screwy gasped. "A cat?!?! Even worse! How disgusting!" I smacked him. "Slept ON my bed, not IN it!" Then, from the other side of the room, the two swinging doors slammed open and there stood...THE DOCTOR. "What have we here?" he asked. We all cowered under his glance. "Well, I'm waiting. You must have some kind of pathetic excuse for coming here." Screwy looked up from where he was hiding behind the examination table. "BunnygaveRachelsomekindofdisease!" he blurted out. The Master countenance grew dark. "What?" he said solemnly. "I left them in the living room for ten minutes, and then when I came back they were rolling around on the floor!" I said. The Master gave Bunny a stern look. "Bunny. Poor, innocent Bunny. Poor, foolish Bunny. You have angered me. You of all people should know -- no messing around with those folder people without my explicit permission!" "But....but...we were only....you said it was okay!" Bunny said. "SHUT UP! You fool. It's NOT okay," The Master walked over and pulled a rubber glove from a drawer. He slipped it on with a loud thwak. "Well, Bunny, you know what time it is," he said with a sadistic grin as he patted the examination table. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOT AGAIN!" Bunny screamed. "Oh yeah. That's right Bunny. You know what's gonna happen. Mm-hmm. C'mere," The Master urged, cackling insanely. "Somebody help me!" Bunny said pathetically. "Oh yeah. Last time was nothing compared to what this'll be," the Master said. "But wait!" I said, feeling a little guilty. "He bit her!" "WHAT?!" The Master gasped. "Oh, now you've done it, Bunny. Nasty, get my instruments." "Yessir," Nasty said, and sauntered off (shaking his hips quite provacatively) Subj: ER: Dr Reznor on duty 5 Date: 95-08-07 20:46:36 EDT From: Reznomad "Uh.....uh...." Rachel quivered from her spot on the floor. The Master pulled down the light over the table and threw Bunny face-down on it. "Ack! Ack! Help! Please! No! Not the instruments! Please! NOOOOOOOOO!" Bunny continued to scream. "Uh, Master?" Rachel asked. "What, you little tramp?" he replied, preoccupied with Bunny's fluffy tail. "Bunny didn't do anything!" "What?" he asked, flipping his head around to look at her better. "What did you say?" "I....I thought he gave her RABIES," I said. "Yeah! I....smacked him. He......he hit me back!" Rachel swallowed audibly. "Bunny....is this true?" the Master asked. "Well, yes! Pleasedon'thurtme!" Bunny answered. "I'm too cute and fluffy! You can't hurt me! You need me!" "I was going to let you go," the Master said. "Oh," Bunny replied. "But now...." NastyPants returned with the Master's tray of "instruments". "But now...." The Master continued, putting on the other glove. Bunny began to cry. "AAAA! PLEASE! NO! NO, MASTER! I AM YOUR FAITHFUL SERVANT!" The Master said, "I know that." Bunny looked up suddenly. "Huh?" The Master set Bunny upright on the table. "Screwy," the Master said. "Put the other Bunny on the table. I know what'll cure 'em. I still need to check her for rabies." later~ "Uh, excuse me sir. You've got my bunny rabbit down your pants," I said. (The State quote) "Yes, I'm quite aware of that," the Master replied. "But....but...." I said, eyeing the movements in his black pants as Rachel and Chris moved around. "Uh...." "Do you have something to say, Liz?" he asked. "uh....just...those are some awful big pants to fit both of them in there. Sir. Master." I said. He smiled, satisfied. "Well, I don't know where he got it, but Bunny has a slight case of ringworm! And now, so does Rachel. I wonder where he could have gotten it." The Master said. Nasty and Screwy started giggling. "Probly from Liz, that night he was in her bed." I shrieked. "Not IN it, ON it!" The Master looked at me, shocked. "After....after......" "No!" I said. "WHAT ABOUT LITTLE MERVYN?!?!" He yelled. "Mervyn?" I asked. "Oh, uh, I mean (reznor)chop," he said. "What?" I asked again. "THE BABY!" "Oh, you mean Chistopher Robin?" I asked. "Christopher Robin?" He glowered. "What, you have a better idea, Mr. I-don't-have-the-time-for-my-own-son!" I retorted. "He's not even born yet!" the Master said, flustered. "I don't care! Don't you have any ICE CREAM or PICKLES in this place?!?! I'm STARVING! Ohhh, my back! My feet hurt! I feel so bloated! Ack!" "Uh, Liz?" Rachel asked. "SHUT UP! You're all MOCKING ME, AREN'T YOU!?" Subj: ER: Dr Reznor on duty 6 Date: 95-08-07 20:47:05 EDT From: Reznomad "Nasty. Go get me a vial full of (lots of doctor talk)," the Master said. "OH GOD THE PAIN! I hate you all! You (fincking) PIGS! Ackpth!" "Bunny, Screwy, I'm gonna need you to hold her down for a second," the Master said. "NOT THE NEEDLE! TAKE PITY ON HER! NOT THE NEEDLE!" Rachel shrieked and fainted. "Ooooh, lettuce. And purina! Just what I wanted..ACK!" That's when it all went blank. The last thing I remember is Bunny gloating over me, holding down my arms as I tried to sock him. And Screwy getting a mouthful of my foot. And the the last words I remember are "His name will be (not for mortals' ears/eyes yet)" the story will continue as it happens --Liz and Rachel (reznomad@aol.com)More Stories Will Be Up Eventually...
